Alarm raised as BT phonebox used for call!!!

INCREDIBLE SCENES here today in Kings Langley as a person was sighted using a BT phonebox and unconfirmed reports coming in from the working men's club seem to suggest it was for a genuine call.

Local passerby - Barbara Tottington - was interviewed minutes after the sighting and had this to say to our 6 foot, incredibly handsome investigative journalist with a charming personality and an eye for the ladies "I just can't believe what I saw'd! There it was, plain as I see yoo now, a man inside the phonebox stood on a load of glass! Eee wasn't urinating or anythink like that eeva, oooh I'm all a fluster think I'll have a cognac to settle me nerves"

Once the furore dies down, there will be some serious questions to be asked here.

Firstly, are the mobile phone networks doing enough to advertise their services and phones?

We interviewed local man Ahmad Ahmabadlad who has been monitoring the situation over the past 18 months to try and shed some light on this, he told us "Well I only counted 15 promotional flyers through my door this week, this is an increase of 8% from last month so why would a man use a phonebox? The figures just don't add up. Now get out of my shop OR I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN LIKE COBRA"

Recent studies have shown that town centre areas such as Hemel Hempsted all the way up to Oldham have, on average, a mobile phone outlet one in every other shop with poundland and cash converters filling up the inbetweens. But are they enough we ask? Are they doing enough to entice possible mobile users in with their Hello Kitty and Union Jack cases to showcase everyone our support for fictional cats or the British Empire whilst making that call to loved ones?

If people are forced to spend their hard earned money in a BT phonebox after having to go on a pilgrimage (akin to when Muslims go to that big thing at Mecca to worship their arab angry Jesus man) to find one with a handle and working dial tone then we say the answer to that is a resounding NO!

We also spoke to local carrier pigeons who are rumoured to be buoyed at this news as perhaps there will be a way back for them in message delivering if SMS is the next victim to this change in human mentality. A prominent spokesbird advised us "Coooo Cooo Coo Cooooo, Cooo Coo Cooooooo" I think he is maybe counting his squabs before they've hatched on that one though but we'll see.

Based on this news, we have set up a dedicated helpline on 0870 08707800 for anyone wondering how they will cope, should this totally retro trend catch on and our glorious nation turns back to the dark ages.

AFTERNOON UPDATE

The man who was sighted earlier today, reported to be using a BT phonebox for something other than relieving himself, has advised that it was a reverse call. He also stated "I thoroughly washed my hands afterwards even though I had gloves on in the first place. Gloves which I have now burned".

This allays any fears his local community had of an imminent superbug. He did advise he had recovered an Escort card, a buxom lady with a juicy looking adam's apple, said to be dated at 2008 and valued at circa £2.36 by ex-Antiques Roadshow celebrity Hugh Scully (pictured below) which he plans to auction off to fund his boy going for a McDonalds treat sometime this summer. Hugh secretely told us "I reckon I can get it for two quid straight off im though as that's wot 'Appy Meals cost, innit" whilst tapping his nose knowingly. Mum's the word Hugh, Mum's the word.



Another harrowing case solved by your investigative reporter ALWAYS on the scene with the news that matters.

*Stocks in British Telecom have been reported to plummet based on this update. This report apologises to anyone who purchased stocks after advice given on calls to our 0870 panic line.

A few things about Facebook I want to share

One of the main reasons I started this, is because Facebook is getting more and more ridiculous! I do begrudgingly accept I like it and it entertains me so this the context of this moan isn't angry or owt like that. Just wondered if anyone out there has the same things on theirs that annoy me on mine!

I have not been a fan of the fact I have given them (whoever 'they' are) pictures of me and my children over the course of the years, despite having the privacy set up so only the family can see them (or so I think anyway :S). It is like Big Brother. You put GPS on and it knows where you live. People put their phone numbers on and countless images. Heaven for any identity thieves out there!

Let me give you a run down of the things that piss me off most about it.

1) Game requests - I do not want to join you on candy crush saga or mafia wars so fuck off. When my phone beeps for this, I always consider the delete button. What is worse, people posting this game "4 pictures 1 word" every 10 minutes so people can help them. If you ever do complete that mind boggingly simple yet boring game, that a 10 year old could do, will you feel proud? You shouldn't as every fucker on your facebook completed it for you....you didn't!

2) Pictures of food - I did this once. Then thought....who gives a shit? Then took it off. I don't care what you have made for your tea, I see meals 3 times a day anyway. Before I eat them. That's 21 per week so I don't need to hear about what you had or see it either. Unless you are a michelin star chef or have won an award for it...I don't care.

3) Changing your profile picture every day - I just see it as a 'like my picture so I can feel good about myself''effort. These people usually take pictures of themselves in the mirror too with their iphone flashing.

4) The Weather - I have a fucking window. If you are on holiday in the Mauritius and want to rub it in cos the weather is lush...great, that's banter and fair enough. If you want to tell me it's snowing or raining in the UK then please don't.

5) Seeing Orange people pulling their lips like a fish or 'pouting' - I don't understand why people think this is attractive...you look like an Oompah Loompah. I am no oil painting but at least I don't spend money to make myself look even worse.

6) Dogs on facebook. Your dog does not need a facebook account. It has paws and a dog brain. It will also die way before you.

Now the obvious reply to this is 'well don't go on it then you moaning bastard!' and yes I get that.

There are, however, around 30 people (so about 10%) who provide entertaining content I do want to see and I feel it would be a shame to miss out on that. There is some great information out there to be shared and it's a good platform for it. I also put updates for my family about how the kids are doing and pictures as they unfortunately don't get to see them as much as we would all like so without it...I would lose out a bit.

Enslaved a bit by it really...can't live with it, can't live without it!

Does anything really piss you off about facebook? (apart from me if I am on your friends list!)

North/South divide

Now the title of this says it all. North versus South. In my opinion it's fucking ridiculous although a bit of source for banter. I love this sort of banter but having lived abroad for a few years of my life and despite being patriotic in my youth...I just don't have it anymore. Anyway, enough of my 'we are all equal and one' chat as I know most don't believe it and need a national identity.

I never understand this...as your identity as a human being is taken away as soon as your birth certificate is signed. Don't believe me? Search for 'your strawman' or even look into the Magna Carta, when the elitest of this country made you slaves. I won't go into that now (believe me I could) but it's all too horrendous and emotive for me so maybe I will dedicate an article to that alone. Actually, I will and it won't be pretty reading and I will provide conclusive evidence to back up what I am saying here. Basically, your birth certificate is signed and you become a member of an organisation, the UNITED KINGDOM PLC (search it on companies house, you should...you belong to it). Ever wondered why your name is spelt on capitals on every legal document. Look into it and find out, I am not going to explain it here but comment and I will point you in the right direction.

I lived in Spain for 5 years, the first few years between the ages of 16-19 I was a patriotic wanker. Used to fight people from other countries for no reason other than they were from other countries and hated us as we were English, conquerors of the universe. What a load of bollocks. No wonder the English are hated abroad with that mentality. A mentality I am ashamed to admit I had but I am glad to tell you I now know how wrong it was, based on some of my actions and meeting people from most countries around the world. It's a mentality that unfortunately still exists in great strength amongst English abroad.

I don't say 'Brits' as I remember being in Tunisia with my ex-partner and them spitting at us when we said English and wanting to rob us. She was from Dundee, Scotland and when we said we were Scottish the abuse stopped and we were welcomed. Funny that eh?

Anyway, the whole point of this is that I went to me local tonight and it was packed after the England vs San Marino game. Afterwards there was news reports of how bad the snow was in the North and severe weather warnings.

Now I have always heard the odd 'Northern Monkeys' banter and will always respond with 'Southern Shandy drinking puffs' To me - it's just banter. What I heard tonight from at least 20 blokes was absolute derision from these guys saying, 'fuck them Northern Monkeys, I hope the snow kills them' and similar comments. Fair enough, I don't have a soft heart but it was when I was at the bar speaking to a sound lad and his mate came over and said 'where are you from?' I replied Newcastle and he said 'oh, I fackin 'ate Norvenors'

Now anyone who know me well enough knows I can't not explore this and just let it slide. Why do you hate them? Any reason other than you're a cock and have no idea what you're talking about? It always ends in bother unless you laugh it off so his mate made light of it, ushered him away, so fortunately we did. Thank fuck to be honest as there was 8 of them against one skinny Geordie by who would have stood till the death!

Yet it got me thinking...what's the fucking problem here? No wonder we are fucked as a country hating each other for no reason at all? We don't even like each other (for no reason) so why would we stand together?

A similar thing happened tonight. I lived in Dundee for 4 years and used to get torrents of abuse from the regular Scotsman. How many knew why? The battle of Bannockburn or Stirling? They knew fuck all about it but watched  Mel Gibson and it was drummed into them that the English were cunts. This for me is ridiculous as it was so long ago, we have fought Germans twice since than and get along with them ok? Actually, we've fought pretty much every fucker SIDE BY SIDE so why the animosity?

I pointed out that 90% of us would bury Maggie Thatcher ourselves whilst not telling anyone we did it with a candlestick in the billiard room whilst the main two protaganists to fuck it all up, being Tony Blair and Gordon Brown....are actually fucking Scottish?

Yes people are angry at the way our county is ran, yet it is ran by 0.0001% of our entire population so stop tarring us all with the same brush.

It's incredible when you live up there. Being from Newcastle isn't too bad as they label you as 'Scottish with their heads kicked in' but why oh why...when there are a tiny minority of rich cunts in our world bending us all over and fucking us...do we fight amongst ourselves? Baffles me it really does.

At the end of the day, The Scottish and The English have the same problems. We are run by the same set of out of touch cunts who want to fuck us all to make themselves and their cronies richer. We have fought together for HUNDREDS of years for what we believe in...now you want Independence?

Well we will fight against these cunts. (well, some of us will, unfortunately it seems...not enough of us) The true proper people amongst us...of which there are many.

If you want to be cowards and opt out of the battle after all these years then that's you prerogative but I personally thought you all had more fight than that.

You will have your own demons to fight very soon and the most salient point about this is...you won't do it alone. We will be there for you when you need us as that's how we fuckin roll, always have done, as you always have done too. Cultural or border differences aside.

Always annoys me the Scottish blind hatred of the English, as does the Southern hatred of the Northerners. Maybe we are just happy and that pisses you off. Either way, chill the fuck out we are on the same side.

Too much hate in the world. Clearly not enough love for our fellow man. I don't care where you come from, be sound with me and I will be sound back....and I will always be sound first (depending on how much I have had to drink)

Peace.

Things I really dig right now

Hallow bonny lads and lasses, let me tell you about a few different things I really like at the minute, which fads I am in to and what is keeping me amused in my little village retreat of Kings Langley in la-de-daa Hertfordshire.

Hertfordshire it's self is upmarket with villages like this and St.Albans being very affluent and having an organic food shop every other one down. Having said that, Tulisa just moved into the area which lowers the tone a bit and brings the percentage of woman who give a good blowjob right down. Did you see that movie? Pathetic. Especially if you're being filmed, wrap a bit of revlon round it lass.

What I like most about Kings Langley is that it is 25 minutes away from Euston on the train and the social club has 3 proper snooker tables, a pool room and an auditorium with a big screen for the football. I also like the fact you can go into the local Ladbrokes to collect any winnings without the prospect of being murdered on the way out. There is also a posh wine shop that sells any beer you could probably name, including 'The Dog' at a reasonable price.

Lately, I have been putting chilli on everything. It started off with your normal every day fresh chilli from the supermarket, escalated to finger chillis, then birds eye, then scotch bonnet and through a load of tears of suffering, Sainsbury's just can't touch me for spice anymore. Yes I said Sainsbury's. In the South you find Aldi's and Lidl's aren't ten a penny like the grim peasent North, we have Sainsbury's and Waitrose down here. Laaaaa-deeeeee-daaaaaaa. Last week, we travelled to a farm to buy a huge batch of home grown chillis but they don't pack a punch anymore either so now, on the windowsill in front of me, is the beginnings of a chilli plant. The old man suggested a cross breed so that's what the plan is, we'll see how it goes.

This addiction got a bit silly and went from it being in any pasta or meat dishes, cheese and bean toasties, pizzas...just everything I ate really and then finally one Saturday morning....into a fruit milkshake. This is when I realised I had to stop. Banana, Kiwi, Blueberry and Chilli smoothy did not do my digestive system any good at all. Particularly as the idea was a supershake an hour before kick off for my local team. That was a tough game on the old belly.

Chilli has side affects. The main one being the heat. Some chilli peppers are so hot, the Mayans actually used them in battle to throw at their enemy with the seeds in particular reducing vision in battle when they rub it from their eyes and face. This heat also creates pain in the mouth when eating, which then creates endorphins. These endorphines are the body's natural painkillers and give a feeling of wellbeing. Many cultrues also believe it effects the nerve endings and without going into too much detail here...I found out why they call Peri-Peri 'the Portuguese viagra' a few years back when on holiday in the Algarve. They are also twice as high in Vitamin C as citrus fruits and the dried ones are mega rich in Vitamin A.

This isn't why I eat them though. I eat them cos it makes me proper rock and it makes ma lips on fire for the ladies, cha'mone.

Another thing that I really like at the moment is strawberry laces handwash. Sweet Jesus that stuff smells good. It's a bit awkward though when someone walks in to see you licking both your hands like a cat and purring.

I also can't help saying 'Ain't nobody got time for dat' everytime someone moans about something. After hearing the Sweet Brown news report which I will post below, I have found this to do 1 of 3 things. 1) Annoy People 2) Make people laugh 3) Stop people moaning all the time or stop speaking to you full stop.

If you haven't already seen this, please do watch it, it's fucking excellent - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh7UgAprdpM

Other things on my list of stuff I like at the moment are cooking linguines and throwing random ingredients in, swing music and Elvis Presley. And the song on the Aristocats 'Everybody wants to be a cat'

Peace.

The Undead

I have always has a strong stomach for a bit of blood, gore and the darker side of life. I clearly remember the first time I was proper shit scared of something I watched on TV and that was Stephen King's 'The Shining' film with the always outstanding Jack Nicholson.

This may not be the most scary film to you but I was 12 and remember watching it with my Uncle at my Nana's house in Killingworth, Newcastle. Having watched it since a fair few times I always wonder what was so terrifying about it and then I remember as the eerie musical score starts. Tremendous film and an interesting fact about it not a lot of people know is that each scene changes the decoration. What I mean is that everytime you see the same hallway, corridor or room it is completely different. An added extra from Kubrick that gives you a small idea of how the gift of The Shining affected everything.

Apart from this, I don't think I have been scared at anything I have watched since. I always feel my eyes winden to take it all in as much as possible and wonder whether this means I am a bit strange. This brings me to the first book I ever read that raised the hackles on my neck. This book is Bram Stoker's Masterpiece 'Dracula'

Dracula has been a firm favourite of mine as it combines fear, erotica and lunatical (is that a word? If not it is now) characters all in a short story fantastically written from the point of view of the chief protagonists. I would put Van Helsing up there with my famous literary characters of all time.

". . .you are too prejudiced. You do not let your eyes see nor your ears hear, and that which is outside your daily life is not of account to you. Do you not think that there are things which you cannot understand, and yet which are; that some people see things that others cannot? But there are things old and new which must not be contemplate by men's eyes because they know -- or think they know -- some things which other men have told them. Ah, it is the fault of our science that it wants to explain all; and if it explain not, then it says there is nothing to explain. But yet we see around us every day the growth of new beliefs, which think themselves new; and which are yet but the old, which pretend to be young -- like the fine ladies at the opera."

He had a way with words did Abraham.

Also, the thought of being seduced by 3 sensational vampyre brides and brutally bitten to death has always appealed to me for some reason...like just pretending though. We'd need a safety word...something like 'Balderdash!'

What did annoy me recently is that I decided after all these years to watch the Francis Ford Coppella movie 'Bram Stokers Dracula' and he only went and made Dracula out to be some lonely guy who was actually alreet and fell in love and that. Bollocks to that! I like to think of him as evil incarnate and still will, nice try Francis Ford but no thanks pal. If I had wanted a romance I would have watched Love Actually or something.

Continuing with the undead theme, as of last night, I have caught right up to date with 'The Walking Dead'

What an incredible show this is, if you haven't seen it then it's a must watch and I will post the links at the bottom of this inane rambling for all 3 series. Cos I'm a good c*nt like that.

The first few episodes I couldn't get my head round as the main guy - Frank Grimes - is played by Andrew Lincoln. Lincoln is English and I watched him in a series called Teachers years ago (he also happened to be in aforementioned Love Actually...actually) so to hear him with an Atlanta, Georgia deep south yank accent was a bit mind blowing. Well that's an exaggeration, it was just mildly unsettling.

It is tremendous though, fantastic performances from all concerned and if you watch them back to back over the space of a week like I did (kept me out the pub and saved me a small fortune) then you will see timid frail characters evolve into absolute hardcases through a series of painful and miserable experiences.

And blood, whole lot of blood with zombies getting their heads caved in.

Season 1 and 2 (7Gb) - http://thepiratebay.ee/torrent/7637206/The_Walking_Dead_-_The_Complete_Season_1-2___EXTRAS_[DVDRip_BDRi

Season 3 -http://thepiratebay.ee/torrent/7921052/The_Walking_Dead_Season_3_Complete(Ep_1-8)_HDTV_x264_[VectoR]

then - http://thepiratebay.ee/torrent/8246644/The_Walking_Dead_Season_3_(Episodes_9-13)

After that you'll have to get them individually but there's only 3 more left after that :(

Why start blogging, now after all this time?

No reason really.

I was going to just leave it at that but it's a bit boring, innit?

A good friend recently pointed out to me that I tend to a comment on my own facebook posts a lot. I suppose this means that no one feels they are worthy of interaction or I am mental and talk to myself. I tend to think it's a combination of both. A blog is perfect for me then. I can ramble absolute shite and to be honest I don't really care if people read it or not....it's more for me than anything.

I love writing and always have. I remember being 7 and writing a story that would rival Lord of the Rings. In fact it was better as it was a gripping tale that only took 3 minutes to read as it consisted of about 30 words. You need to clear your fuckin diary for a month for Lord of the Rings. Watch the films instead. Anyway I remember in this story that the main protagonist was called Gemmarus and was based on a lass I fancied at the time. Looking back, she liked to play football and had short hair so she is probably a professional carpet licker nowadays. I am not a homophobe though, I think the gays are alright. It's the really camp people who annoy me as they all have the same accent no matter where they are from. Same as British Gypsys. They usually all sound Irish.

Speaking of Gypsies (not the Irish white sounding ones but the actual Romany travellers) I used to live in a village called Burn in North Yorkshire. Burn had about 140 houses and no shop. It did have a railway bridge and a canal but what made Burn famous was the airfield. It was an RAF base during World War 2 and had a network of catacombed tunnels hidden amongst the trees and load of haybails for making dens and jumping off. I spent some great days there with an amazing friend called Matthew Jakeman. Matt was unfortunately taken too early and truly was one of the best people I ever knew. RIP mate. My my I could tell you some stories about that boy and our adventures together but I may get arrested whilst he is beyond the long arm of the law.

Anyway, back to the gypo's. These were all of Romany descent and had a permanent camp of white caravans. I tell you this to dispell any illusion that they have nice colourful painted and decorated ones. They don't. They have piss stained white ones. And they don't tell fortunes. Apart from 'I see in your future a missing lawnmower'

Three things I remember about these travellers (they never 'travelled' so I never understood why people called them this at school) is that firstly, they were all called Smith. About 10 went to our school, all called Smith but claimed not to be related. I bet they were called Smith yeah... Secondly, they used to come to the park and kids as young as 10 would be smoking. I shit you not here. As young as 10. Smoking. One even took a shit in front of us on the bouncy tarmac near the swings. Kecks down, arse oot, shit done. Incredible. Thirdly is a story about a boy called David.

I was mates with David, he was a geeky kid who had a PC with Football Manager and The Sims on it. To be honest, I used to be mates with him based on this and the fact he was one of 4 lads in Burn village of similar age. Me, Matt, him and some bellend called Chris who was like BMX champion of the world (in his own mind) Oh yeah and that weird family of scruffs that I slowly rose from beneath the living room window in a scream mask with a huge kitchen knife and the youngest said 'CALL THE POLICE' and they all screamed like little bitches.

I was a canny lad back in the day like :S

David also won tickets in a Sky competition to go see Britney Spears at the MEN arena and took me. At 12 years old that was clunge heaven trust me. Back to the story anyway. I used to sleep over at David's based on his PC games and play them till like 5am when he was asleep by 9pm. One time we woke to find his shed had been broken in to and his lawnmower nicked. The gypsys always did this for the petrol in them. Scallywags. What was funny though is that there was a ladder found leaning against David's bedroom window, where we had been sleeping. Didn't faze me but David was shook up by this. I kept saying to him everynight to sleep well and remember that the Gypsys would be watching him sleep, Absolutely terrified the lad, bless him.

Actually I also remember a Gypsy getting punched outside the 'Burn Barn Dance' annual event in one of the airport hangers. He got up and ran off without his coat, some blokes went in it and there was a grand in notes. So that's more than 3 things, I lied.

Coming back to what was supposed to be the theme for the article, until I started thinking abut Gypsies and going off on a tangent - I have written for a football blog - the rollercoaster of misery that being a Newcastle United fan is - for a couple of years now and always like to spark a debate. I have also written blogs for my own business...which I will not be promoting here as I plan on swearing a lot and being really unprofessional.

Soapy tit wank.

See?

Funny that was the first thing to come to mind.

I have always enjoyed writing and always cringed years later when reading it back and thought, what the fuck was I on about? Why did I feel it necessary to waste someone's time? Well if you have got this far, that's time you will never get back. So.....unlucky. I do find it helps me remember things that I had previously never really thought about since they happened. Like gypsys looking through young boys windows for example.

As I get older and have a bit more of a conscience, I look back and remember what a little shit I really was and thinking about it, throughout my childhood and going to Spain when I was 16, I can tell a few stories. If you are happy with who you are today then it's good to remember your past and what shaped you. I made a lot of mistakes and will share some of them with you and also share things that I believe in or comment on shit that I don't. Like religion.

Knowing me it'll just be a blog moaning about the injustices of the world with the odd poor attempt at humour that only I will laugh at. And you know what they say about people who laugh at their own jokes don't you! Haha!

Whoops!